Friday, July 10, 2009

Comic "Relief"

So, I'm out in my garden yesterday doing what "all" gardeners do - "fighting" all the wild bamboo !!!! - If I were a bamboo farmer, I'd be rich !!! Anyway, all of a sudden I have a strong "urge" to [pee]. Although the house (and bathroom) are within 50 paces, I do what every red-blooded male does..... I LOOK FOR A BIG TREE !!!! After a brief scan of the horizon (I have to go REALLY bad now) I spy a tree fit to be my loo. I hurriedly made my way to the tree, getting "ready" as I approach it, and circle around to avoid any chance of being seen by passers by. Wait, is it "Public Urination" if you do it on private property? I better check into that, or I just MAY be running from the fuzz, huh? None the less, I round the tree only to be startled by a deer !!!! I nearly peed my pants - uh, oh yeah, that's why I was there in the first place !!! Bambi scampered away quickly probably thinking, "That idiot looked like a human in the headlights !!!"

Birds... AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I have over 4 acres for these things to "relieve" themselves yet the INSIST on crapping all over my less that 2 ft square camping chair by the firepit !!!! And I "suggest" that everyone do NOT buy a dark colored car - the seagulls LOVE dark cars !!! All I can think of is that Super Bowl commercial with the pigeons ("Danger Zone" playing in the background) targeting my Black Grand Prix !!!! ARGH !!!!!

One more thought... I know they say "God don't make junk" but Father above, I'm really curious what your mind-set was when you created slugs !!!! Between the bamboo and the slugs it's a wonder my garden has grown at all... they decimated my lettuce patch and are doing a pretty "good" job on my squash flowers - not allowing the bees enough time to pollinate them. Cure???? No idea.... I've tried chemicals with mixed success - all the rain we've had "fights" my efforts here. It was suggested I try "Beer Traps", a small lid with beer in it. Supposedly it attracts the slugs and the beer kills them. WRONG !!!! I set a beer trap the other day right between 2 of the slimy guys to test this theory... one of the slugs climbed right in, had his fill and then "stumbled" away. The other guy wanted nothing to do with it so I picked him up and placed him in the trap myself. After a few moments of "getting happy", this one also exited the trap... What a waste of good beer !!!!!!!!! All I did was make 2 slugs very happy...
Salt works great though... I spent 30 minutes the other day dumping salt on dozens of these vermin.... WOW !!!!!!!!!!! that was the most fun I've had in awhile - until faithful companion, Snoopy, decided it would be fun to roll around in the melted slug aftermath !!!!!!
Note... Deep Woods Cutter has the same "effect" as salt here !!!

Ah, what a relief !!!!! I could NOT make this stuff up.....

-Nuf Ced


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