Gahdening 109 - The Final Exam ?

or...... SPIDER, MAN !!!!!!!!!

YUUUUUUUUP !!! You know it's SAD BUT TRUE - da dunt dunt dunt dunt (Metallica).... 40 degree nights have all but put an end to my gardening exploits... well, except for the "Pepper Plantation"... which actually isn't located in "California"... my best guess is that PP is located in... in... in... uh, Connecticut !!! Go figure... but I'd have to check the GPS to be sure...

Those that have followed from the beginning know it's been more than just a hobby.... it's been an adventure.... or a series of adventures !!!!!!!!... slugs, Bambi, Kermit, ghosts, BEEing 747s, Bugs bunny.. etc, etc etc.... To those of you new to this "concept", I invite you to read the several earlier posts depicting the life and times of Farmer John...

Anyway, so I was out in the garden the other day, doing what all gardeners do.... Well ok, I'll fess up... it was actually a few weeks ago... um.... ok.... I wasn't actually IN the garden.... I was at my horseshoe-throwing-spot, honing my "skills"... BUT said "spot" is within spitting distance of California (the main GAHden) .... and uh, I'm a power-spitter mind you....

Trivial details aside, I was out there when all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye ( I REALLY need to do something about this acute peripheral vision that I possess), I spied a "vision"... NO, not my ghost "friend"... this particular vision was the size of... of... RODAN !!!

Fore-thougthlessly, I was on the ground quicker than a jack rabbit (I bet "Bugs" was frigging laughing at me again) - later to realize I came within inches of one of Snoopy's land-mines.. PHEEEEEEEEEEW !!!! No time to think (or care) when you feel like you've just been teleported into a 1960's Japanese monster movie... Where's Gamera when you need him ?!?!?!

That's MY boy !!!

Anyway, from my "safe" hiding spot.... uh, middle of the yard... I was able to compose myself (and my skivvies) enough to "gaze in wide wonder"(Thorogood) and realize that what I saw indeed WAS Rodan... ok, ok, ok... actually it was a hawk - anyone that lives in CT knows that the hawk SHOULD be the state bird - swooping through the "redwood forest"... All I could think was... "Thank gawd it wasn't a chicken hawk as I lay there "chicken [crap]less !!!!" I certainly wasn't feeling "bad to the bone"....

As I fumbled to get my camera (phone) out of my pocket to "shoot" this beauty, I then realized how close I came to being blown up by a land mine... Good thing I was playing horseshoes (for luck) or I would have been picking myself up, "dusting" myself off.... and picking Snoopy Poopy off of myself !!!!!!

Ok, ok, ok... I WAS still alive but decided perhaps it was time to cease the "fun" and games and proceeded to inspect Pepper Plantation... situated against the house... uh, having to face the house MAY protect me from my peripheral vision !!!

The peppers got a late start, but were starting to "pop" all over... uh, get it? pepper poppers??? never mind... Pepper Plantation being densely "pepulated", viewing the boys in the back required "careful" observation skills... which I apparently do NOT possess !!!

As I was bobbing and weaving along the front row to try to see through the denseness... BLECK, BLECK, BLECK !!! You guessed it !!! I ALMOST made myself "charlotte's" next meal, pulling back and pulling ANOTHER sticky web from my face, eye, ear and hair... damn big web, as half of it still remained, "housing" a ladybug and a couple of other indistinguishable "UFOs"(Unable to Fly Objects !!)...

Aight, not actually SEEing the master that spun this silken supper trap, I of course assumed..... Garden Spider... no big deal, right? Garden Spiders are critical to the health and production of said garden.....

Flash forward to yesterday (YES, it WAS !!!). Once again inspecting Pepper Plantation for new growth (mindful of the "net" this time) I observed that the web had fully "recovered" from the entrapment of my face... uh, obviously "charlotte" had been busy... cool, I thought... "no harm, no foul"....

UNTIL...............

THIS "beauty" presented itself from behind a leaf... obviously it was IT'S dinner time but... UH.... I AIN'T YOUR DINNER DUDE !!!!!!!!... and crawled to the center of the "net" to inspect it's "cargo"...

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEE Nelly !!!!!! WTF is THAT !?!?!?! STEP BACK !!! .. which, of course, I immediately did - ok, JUMP (Van Halen !!) back was more like it.... HOLY [CRAP] !!! That ain't no garden spider that I know of !!!!!!!! although, thankfully my spider research is at a minimum...

BUT, research was certainly in order HERE !!!!! My limited knowledge of the "animal" kingdom told me that brightly colored rascals are poisonous... so you know what THAT means..... GOOGLE !!!!!!!!!!!

So google I did.... and found many pictures of my "friend" at some site like... "acmespiderinfo. com" or something like that... you know the "net"... MUCH to my PLEASANT surprise, I found out that my spider knowledge skills are severely lacking as this "bad" boy, the "dreaded" Marbled Orb Weaver, is not actually toxic to humans... and is often found in garden areas... GO [FREAKING] FIGURE !!!!

I swear this is true and I HAVE A WITNESS !!! GFS (not to be confused with the afore-mentioned GPS) actually helped me "capture" this "amazing" arachnid... of course it looked thirsty, so I obliged by pouring a bit of beer into the container... Did you know that spiders CAN drink themselves to death ???? (GOOD thing I'M not a spider, man !!!) I'm sure it died with a smile on it's face - wherever the hell a spider's face is located !!!

I felt a bit bad that this guy "lushed" himself to death on MY beer, but it didn't say anything about it's toxicity (SYSTEM OF A DOWN!!!) to a 25 pound beagle.... Hmmm, I'm thinking where there's one, there's more... obviously this thing wasn't "planted" there by an "actual" UFO.... ok, maybe the peripheral vision will be needed in the future...

Needless to say it's been a "wild" experience, this gardening thing... perhaps I need to examine the "benefits" of my NEXT hobby a "bit" more closely before engaging myself... Nuf Ced

Long story short, good thing this post wasn't titled "Da da da da da da da da... BAT, MAN !!!! although.....

Thanks for stopping in for a visit. It's just my opinion, so please PAHDON it. Y'all come back now, ya heah !! Nuf Ced